


Lift Me Up [You Levitate Me]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, nb!alex danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 12:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: you found discussion on gender identity and sexual identity being separate. and you found a rabbithole so deep it was only maggie padding out into the living room at three am - oversized t-shirt shrugging off a shoulder saying between yawns ‘babe, come to bed.’ that you were able to pull yourself away.





	Lift Me Up [You Levitate Me]

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from levitator by LP

your hands are shaking.

your hands are shaking, your mouth is dry and god, _god,_

you’re pretty sure your throat is closing.

you’re sitting, curled on your couch, trying to find a way to extricate your arms from around your legs. you’re trying to find the moment wherein your muscles will listen and standing can happen. there are groceries sitting on the counter, there is root beer getting cold and ice cream is slowly melting.

you have so much you should be doing - but kara is coming.

kara is coming and it’s sister night.

_”it’s been so long,” kara agrees over the phone “you and me,” she says, obviously so excited - you can hear it in her voice “sister night.” and you hate the way your stomach twists._

so here you are, curled on your couch with your heart racing, your palms sweaty because how do you tell your sister that you’re not quite female, but you’re not quite male either.

_you’re scared._

_you’re scared._

_you’re scared._

the front door is flying open with a bang and a crack and a wince, but all you hear is “what happened?” spilling from kara’s lips, accompanied by the soft hitch of a gently broken door being closed.

kara is moving and kneeling and she’s directly in front of you, not touching - not yet. her eyes are wide and deep and so blue, but you can’t keep her gaze for long. instead you look away, you look down, you feel the swelling of nerves and the ratcheting of your heart and kara - in all her momentary panic

is calm.

you hear her take a breath,

you hear her settle herself onto the floor, her fingertips resting lightly on sock clad feet. for long moments kara doesn’t say anything. she simply sits, still, silent - your buoy. worried, of course. but patient, always patient as you try and hope and maybe, god, maybe you’re going to fail at finding the courage to speak.

yet it doesn’t matter because kara waits, she is still and quiet as the sun sinks below the horizon and your apartment is plunged into darkness on minute at a time. so slow, that you barely notice, so focused are you on how kara’s fingertips rest, feather light, on the tops of your feet. and you can feel how she studies you, watches, listens, carefully. she is observant in a way that only kara is allowed to be with you.

so when you speak, your voice is paper thin and there is something like nothing in your voice. there is something like fear and you know,

you know,

kara hears it. so when you ask for water, when the words spill out in their broken way, she squeezes your feet gently, gently,

she says

“of course.”

and kara stands, she kisses your forehead, she brings you water.

she prepares to sit back on the floor but with one hand your reach out, catch her arm. kara stills, she allows you to pull her onto the couch. she curls around you like you know she’s been wanting to do since she stepped out of the elevator and heard your heartrate sky high. kara presses a kiss to your shoulder, she says

“i’m here.” just once, only once.

and she waits.

you sip. you sip again.

you place the glass onto the coffetable.

you want to break the glass, shatter it because to do so would be to do /something/. yet you don’t. you could, but you can’t.

“kara,” you say, and your voice is wavering because to say that one word,

her name,

it took nearly all the courage you’d found in forty-five minutes of sitting and wrangling and hoping.

you’re not sure you can say anything else.

“alex,” kara says, soothes “alex it’s okay.”

she’s making a promise you’re not sure she’ll be able to keep once you say this. once you spill such a secret - the secret that is clawing its way up your throat. it demands to be heard.

“whatever it is,” she continues “it’s going to be okay.”

you want to be sure. you want to trust her.

but -

“i-” you start “i’m not-” you pause, you’re being strangled, you can’t do this.

you can’t.

you can’t.

your body is tensing and kara, pliant, bends away, unfurls herself so you don’t feel trapped.

you’re standing, you’re running a hand through your hair and fuck,

god,

there are tears and that - that is when kara stands. that is when kara is in front of you and her hands are covering yours. and this, this is the moment with kara saying “alex,”

and

“talk to me, please.”

and

“you don’t have to, of course, but alex -” she pauses “alex, you’re scaring me.”

“i don’t want you to hate me.” you blurt, the secret in your chest desperate to be free and you - desperate to let it, but desperate to keep it trapped.

“alex,” kara breathes “alex i could _never_  hate you.”

you shake your head, you hiccup on a sob “i don’t-” you start “i don’t know how to explain.”

“that’s okay,” kara promises “just start, anywhere.”

anywhere.

anywhere, like how every time your mother calls you

_alexandra_

you feel ill.

how every time an agent calls you ‘ _ma’am_ ’ instead of ‘ _agent danvers_ ’ something inside you reels and burns and aches.

or do you start with how you can barely look in the mirror. because your body has changed and you didn’t really notice until one day,

you had hips.

and you hated how your body looked,

how _feminine_  it felt to be standing there - naked after your shower and looking in the mirror.

you know, of course, your body has changed because you’re getting sleep and you’re getting fed food with vegetables included. you know that being well rested at least some of the time, and working out only enough to be fit and not enough to hurt are products of having maggie sawyer in your life. of having someone who puts you first, who calms you and cares and -

and it was maggie who suggested telling kara.

who promised that no matter what, she, maggie, would be here. always. ride or die.

but, and maggie had said this with a soft smile ‘your sister loves you alex,’ she had said ‘more than anything, and no matter what.’

there is a difference however in hearing maggie say it -

and having it be true.

so where do you begin?

you begin, apparently, with sitting down. collapsing into a chair because you can’t possibly do this standing up.

and you begin with kara sitting next to you - her hand in yours.

and you begin with

“i was reading online, about, lgbt stuff,” you swallow hard “and i found,”

you found discussion on gender identity and sexual identity being separate. and you found a rabbithole so deep it was only maggie padding out into the living room at three am - oversized t-shirt shrugging off a shoulder saying between yawns ‘babe, come to bed.’ that you were able to pull yourself away.

“there’s more than two genders.” you settle on “there’s male and female and, others. a whole bunch of others. and i wasn’t sure, when i started reading, but then i found - and there’s a term called non-binary and it’s,” you’re on a roll now, you can’t look at kara, can’t even stop to breathe “for people who don’t feel entirely male or female and i - that - that’s me.”

you can’t look at kara.

you can’t so much as breathe.

not until

“alex,” your name is gentle, your name is calm and you can hear a soft smile in her voice “can you look at me?”

a beat, a pause, a moment of courage - and kara’s eyes are soft “i love you.” she says and you’re choking on a sigh of relief  “and i, i don’t know a lot about what you’re feeling, about what it means to be non-binary. but if that’s who you are, then i want to learn. okay?”

you nod.

“is there, do you want to be called something else?” kara asks.

and no, you like alex, if feels like who you are,

but,

pronouns.

you swallows “it’s - i want,” you take a deep breath as kara squeezes your hand “they/them pronouns.”

“done.” kara says, wrapping her arms around you, pressing a kiss to your temple “i love you.” she says quietly and god, you can’t help it -

all you can do is let the relief course through your system. all you can do is cry into kara’s shoulder because she’s here. she doesn’t hate you.

she loves you.

and then kara is standing and she’s reaching for her phone and you’re frowning, you’re unsure and kara says, easily “we’re going to need more than just leftover chinese for this siblings night.”

and you’re crying again.

smiling and crying and texting maggie that you’re spending the night with kara,

because she loves you.


End file.
